They Shoot Salads, Don’t They?
I’ve got a new humor/memoir piece up this month at Wraparound South about the very first vision board ever created, satin formalwear, signing things in my own blood, cannibal mice, and SaladShooters....
View ArticleI Can’t Even Come Up With a Pun at The Moment
In what can only be described as me having to leave my desk at a brisk pace to go sob in private, I found out this morning that I’ve had a second piece nominated for 2019 Best of The Net. This one is...
View ArticleLicehead Spa Day
Now this a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down… Okay, that’s actually the Fresh Prince of Bel Air’s story. I’ve been foiled again! Do you know what I wouldn’t give to be able...
View ArticleMz. Mannerz: The Cow in The Parking Lot
Oh man! It’s time for another edition of Mz. Mannerz! Drop that Crunchwrap Supreme, put on some pants for heaven’s sake, and let’s DO THIS THING! One of the things I’ve come to terms with through my...
View ArticleThat Time I Had Asthma for 30 Years
The first time I started coughing and couldn’t stop was in the fifth grade. I was sitting in class when the first cough came. Then the second. Then the twentieth. Then I had to leave class and be...
View ArticleWhen Johnny Met Maggie…And Threw Trash at Her Face
“Roll down your window.” I was sitting in the passenger seat of Johnny’s car and he was in the driver’s seat, speeding down the highway at 80 miles an hour. It was our first date. I mean, I guess you...
View ArticleNobody Wants to Watch That 5-Minute Long Video on Your Phone
I say this with absolute confidence. If you’re thinking, “But! But!” then you’re one of the offenders and nobody has had the heart to tell you. So here it is: Put the phone down and back away slowly....
View ArticleThe Rotten Mango Smell of Spite
I’ll never forget the day that I gripped that phone and said, “Oh yeah? Well, then you’re never gonna see another dime from me again. Ever.” Imaginary TV camera zooms in on my mouth, “Evvveeeerrrrr.”...
View ArticleNobody Cares What You Like
This is purely an old person “get off my lawn” discussion, but I am fascinated when I see kids get asked what they want to eat for dinner and then get cooked separate meals from everybody else at the...
View ArticleI Got Cheated Out of My Nervous Breakdown
I’m so happy to tell you that I have a humor piece about my hideous August up at The Syndrome Mag today! You can read it here: I Got Cheated Out of My Nervous Breakdown It’s funny ’cause it’s true! I...
View ArticleEveryone Who’s Ever Sold You Insurance is a Weirdo
Given my dirtbag upbringing, Lolita years, and eventual downward spiral of becoming a musician, I’ve spent a lot of time around weirdos and scumbags. I’ve had to say, “Is this the bathroom door?” while...
View ArticleDiagnosis: Foot-in-Mouth Disease
My favorite teachers were always my art teachers, except for that one. That one that I lamented to a classmate, “Mrs. Strickland is such a bitch – I can’t stand her and her stupid “art should always...
View ArticleNobody Cares What You Like
This is purely an old person “get off my lawn” discussion, but I am fascinated when I see kids get asked what they want to eat for dinner and then get cooked separate meals from everybody else at the...
View ArticleCalm Down, You Hysterical Woman
Let’s talk about a girl’s best friend. It’s not diamonds. It’s validation. I was thinking about it recently while seething with rage after having been stuck in traffic for over an hour. By the time I...
View ArticleSanta’s Li’l Groupie
It was Christmas morning. The living room was shimmering with the glow of the Christmas tree as it illuminated the harvest gold medley shag carpeting, the kind you spiffed up for company with the shag...
View ArticleEveryone Who’s Ever Sold You Insurance is a Weirdo
Given my dirtbag upbringing, Lolita years, and eventual downward spiral of becoming a musician, I’ve spent a lot of time around weirdos and scumbags. I’ve had to say, “Is this the bathroom door?” while...
View ArticleShuuuuut Uuuuuuup
I came home to a neighbor blasting a Kid Rock song (on repeat!) through the wall of our apartment the other day. Now, normally I’m very meek when it comes to confronting neighbors, having toiled with...
View ArticleWhen Your Pants Shrink on The 250th Wash
“Don’t get on the scale. Ever. It’s just a number, and it doesn’t really correspond with your health or your fitness level. So throw it out! Never step on a scale again!” I had an eight year period...
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